22/11/2009 - i missing him

I mising him now...

hwc, where r u? r u there? wanna tell u i m sick...
wanna tell u i do miss you...

hope to see you and be by ur side... quietly also is sufficient

deflated & down...

have a chat with someone.. she told me, he sayang someone alot. she can see it, and I believed that.
Once, he said he sayang me alot too... hahahahaha.. now when i ponder back, dont know is it true or just for the sake of saying...

ya, at a point, me n this person agree, hwc is a rare spesies and hard to predict and even harder to know when he is true, when he is not....

lord, how many times had I said and decided to let go & give up? and also how many times i had done otherwise? lord, i m so useless....

this time, i want to give up too? will I soon forgotten abt it and soften my heart...?
why he alwayz have that "magic" to do it on me?

Lord, i read an article frm the newspaper. it mentioned that why a guy seems so slow. basically there are several reasons. either is really he dont like u, but he dont wanna hurt you.
either is he just wanna play around wit you. either or he is not sure, would want to take a longer time. or he may be a gay.. (hahaha.. he is very closed with a guy, will he, is he?)
I felt the reason 1 fits (ahahha.. i m so sad when i read, and first eyed to this reason)...

dear lord.. if if he really dont like me. can he dont suddenly so nice to me? is he now showing all his coldness to me, mean is the answer? then why when i chose to give up, he there to come and stirred up my feelings? I am so so useless.....

i m feeling very down..
and many other issues.. i m getting worser and worser.. bad temper and sometimes i felt i m goin crazy d.. almost...
what can I do, where's the wai san used to be?
i start to hate myself too, i so felt to cry...

thank you, Lord.

thank you Lord, It must be you again.... for the reward. i was caught in surprise...
thanks..

I watched 2012. It show you always provided a way out for every situation...
This morning, I was thinking, I hope if one day, when I am with you, I hope I am a little girl, sit beside you, putting my head on your lap, listening to you... how wonderful it will be...

thank you lord..

11-11-2009 diary

dear lord,

pls help me.. give me more strength to move on...

he do really care me? on sunday nite, he sms-ed me.. it really warmth me..
I know it must have be u, lord. Thank you!

sometimes i wish I could talk to him more... but it nvr seems to happen..
talk to him as in no complain, talk, chit chat
why he can talk to anybody else so much.. can i too?

dear lord.... pls help me..

A dream

last nite, i had a dream..

I dreamt he got a gf already.. saw him holding hands with her.. she has a long straight hair..
and it was Hebe (hahaha.. the one frm SHE)...
he admitted that she's is her girlfriend..

Previously, i asked if he is dating.. he replied : to be very honest, no time to date, all juz work..
and I had such a dream? is it true?

Once he told me, if is a bad dream, after saying it out, it will not happen, it will be fine..
So, is tis a good dream or bad?

dont know

what's wrong?

he is cold, he is hot... what he want?
I dont know.. please treat me nice, ok?

can you feel? or u dont want, just tell me straight...

that's all.. I dont know u...

A new girlfriend for him d?

is it he already have a new girlfriend? frm takaful?

just now, my friend was mentioning that someone frm takaful met an accident in front our office... then is this girl..

i now re-calling back tat day, he made a call.. and talk on the phone so sweet n concern.. and asked in chinese.. u already reach home? ok? then okok.. sms me when reach home..
It shouldn't be HKK, coz dont thk they speak chinese..
should be tat girl.. he treat her so nice and so patience and so concern on the phone..
his new target?

when recall bk tat time when i met the "accident".. he didnt even call me.. :(

dear lord... tell me.. how? my heart is all mess up.. real mess up.. which feelings is true?

*tears*

what ws is thinking?

What am I thinking? Is my feeling right? or are they wrong?

I read astrology..

Yesterday (20/09/09), it say:
Sunday, September 20
The groundwork you have been laying in the love department is finally starting to pay off. You must still remain patient, though, and let the situation progress naturally. Try not to rush things.

Today (21/09/09), it say:
Monday, September 21
Patience is not your strong suit right now, but all these mind games are starting to get to you. You may have strong feelings for someone, but that does not mean they can toy with your emotions. Make your feelings known

So? Am to be patience or make the feelings known? I dont know...
Confused...

One of my friend say, I m very obvious already about my feelings... Then what I shall do already?

Today, he was not online. I worry..worry is he dating.. then start all the negative tots..
I kept tell myself, lws, u cant be like tis...U gotta be positive. He aint everythg, k?

sigh... cheer up *^^*

暧昧

曖昧讓人受盡委屈
找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進
何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

只能陪你到這裡
畢竟有些事不可以
超過了友情
還不到愛情
遠方就要下雨的風景
到底該不該哭泣

想太多是我還是你

我很不服氣
也開始懷疑

眼前的人
是不是同一個
真實的你

曖昧讓人受盡委屈
找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進
何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心
直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你
寫不出結局

放遺憾的美麗
停在這裡

希望

明天，他会放假。
我想，我会想念他。

我是否想太多了吗?
但愿不是。可是心里好像告诉自己，似乎不是。
但却又是。

这个漫长的假期，我想我真的会想念他。
他会做些什么呢? 他会回家乡吗?

今天的Q3 briefing, 有位同事问他，那他会回家乡吗?
他说他的约会排得满满。却又好像听见了他说，会在家里玩facebook。
那是怎样呢?
之后那同事却说，他不像是回家乡的那种人。
可是，我在猜他应该是真的会回家乡的吧。

我真的想他。

我希望他安康。
希望他快乐。
希望他得到一切美好的。

我希望我是他身边的女孩。
照顾他，对他好。
希望他也有同感。

希望

明天，他会放假。
我想，我会想念他。

我是否想太多了吗?
但愿不是。可是心里好像告诉自己，似乎不是。
但却又是。

这个漫长的假期，我想我真的会想念他。
他会做些什么呢? 他会回家乡吗?

今天的Q3 briefing, 有位同事问他，那他会回家乡吗?
他说他的约会排得满满。却又好像听见了他说，会在家里玩facebook。
那是怎样呢?
之后那同事却说，他不像是回家乡的那种人。
可是，我在猜他应该是真的会回家乡的吧。

我真的想他。

我希望他安康。
希望他快乐。
希望他得到一切美好的。

我希望我是他身边的女孩。
照顾他，对他好。
希望他也有同感。

16.09.2009 - 可怜的mousie

最近，头时常在痛。 我甚至怀疑我是否生病了?

不开心。很想逃走。

不想说任何东西。只想自己一个人。

只想忘记他。忘记他所有的一切。

我很想逃走! 不想再对任何人好了!

today's love story...

Aries - Love story/ horoscope
Friday, September 11

No matter what happens, don't give up. You may start feeling as though the path you have taken is a dead end, but all is not lost. The feelings you have for someone may soon be reciprocated.

*reciprocated - in return. (ha.. hope so)

***************************************************************************************

Today is a stress day. Maybe I am just tension. Headache whole day, no appetide + gastric...
And I saw him not in a good mood...

After work, decided go for a simple dinner & walk walk here n there @ pavilion.
Surprisingly met him & his friends..
Didnt met him to face to face, but saw my colleague whom was with him
I asked if he is ok, why he look so not good mood...
The colleague answered that he is sick..

After i hear, I felt so worried... hmm.. he is sick..
When I gotten to sit down @ the restaurant, after order, I took out the phone.
Thought for awhile, finally decided to text him to c if he is ok.

He just replied said, he has no energy to walk over n say hi. sorry.
hmm.. i thought he didnt see me, so, i felt nothg. But am just worry if he is ok. Sick terribly.
sigh. hope he is ok.

I after dinner, was thinking not sure, if he is bk. But jam everywhere, I can't reach home fast.
After online, can't see him online, felt disappointed.
Hope he is alrite. Is ok, please sleep well.

Lord, please protect him and make him get well soon.

To him: Please take care ...

08/09/2009 - 酸得味道

那天，察觉他好像不开心。
想了一阵子，msn 他。告诉他，有一个女孩， 好像对他有意思。
可是，他并未兴奋，反而，反应大极了。
昨天，那位女孩，因为工事上，发了一份电子信函给他。
他把我叫到了他的工作位子，把那封email让我阅读后，问我对吗， email中的细节。我点了点头，表示对的。

当我转身要离开，他叫著了我。问我为何这女孩email他?
我摇了摇头，回答了:hmm..不知道。然后露出了微笑。
可是，对他，他却以为我在讽刺他。
他笑了。可以看到他是开心的。
我心中觉得酸溜溜地。

然后，他继续说他不认识她，不过知道她是某同事的senior...
哈...我心中突然被一块大石压著了。难过带点失落感。

今天，又听见他喊了这位女孩的名字。可是，我却不知到底是怎么一回事。

男生嘛... 我有点不知他在想什么呢...
我也不知道自己的心到底是怎么了...
不是说了数万次，该忘了，该狠心吗?
为何往往，却一次有一次的失败。

知道吗?我真的好久没和他说话了。
那种什么都可畅聊的说话。
写着...写着，我的眼泪滑落了。

06.09.2009 Sunday

12.12 noon
Wondering what is he doing now? Out? Sleeping?

I also dont know why I like him? People say he is egoistic, careless... but deep down my heart, know that he is someone good...

I was jealous that when I see him close with other girls.. and wonder is he serious with the words he spoke to the girl..

Saw him on phone, talking softly, then will thk... hmm.. new girlfren? or girlfren on the phone..

When he is not around, I'll thk about him..

When he is hanging out wit that gang of colleagues, I felt sour & jealous..

When he is down/ sad/ sick, I felt worry...

When he is busy, I hope I can lend a helping hand..

When during weekends, I wonder who he spent with?

When I doesn't see him online (msn), I wonder where's he is now?

When he success, when he get promoted, I felt extremely happy..

Does he know, he took my heart away?

It's a Sunday.. And I'm now wondering where is he? Missing him...

Feel sad to see him sad

I dont know wat happen to him.. But I know somethg is going on with him..
Just he doesn't want to tell... I did asked him.. he told me he's alright, alot stuffs on goin, but he still can tahan.. ask me not to worry..

Is it work? or it is personal?

I wonder if he is having a fight with his girl? or He's trying cooling down thgs between him and his girl...
Very weird thg happen.. his girl was in office, but off the IM whole morning after he came in for work... the only on back once he left.. Did he try talking to her?

I do felt sour.. but, what's happening? I do felt sour if he still like his girl.. but i dont wish to see him sad/ down...

he put a very down/ sad msg on his msn.. - slow dancing in a burning room..
I read the song meaning.. it mean, a relationship which didnt went well and the person was trying to save it.. but it's just didnt work out.. and is kinda sad... and he's suffering in pain..

now this, does he meant his very first relationship or the current??

Dear Lord... ws felt sour, but feel sad to see him sad.. dont know how to cheer him..
and ws felt actually ws is nothg to him.. and in certain extend, can be invisible...
shud I just ignore him and mayb I'll get well soon??
Now, I am just thinking how could I can cheer him up - stupid rite?

Dear Lord... ws felt vry complicated...

I miss him

Yay! today got URL to rest.. but i kinda boring.. it was a rainny day.. thus, all my plans - gym + starbuck.. hehe.. cancelled due to my laziness..

hmm.. i miss him.. cant c him online, really wonder where is he now..
last nite.. whole nite he didnt online, i put my msn on whole nite.. putting a msn msg :was sms-ing home for dinner juz now :) " coz i was texting and met him @ lobby.. i was a bit surprise to see him and he walked over to talk to me...
but he was not online till i fell sleep.. around 2am + i woke up i saw he is online, with busy mode..
awhile later i off coz it was pretty late.. and i dont usually put msn on whole nite...
i was asleep and awake 5am plus, online wit my mobile phone.. found he already off..

today.. already 2 pm+ ler.. didnt c him... online..
i kinda miss him.. and i juz check my mails - lots of them.. found one citibank pack.. wish to sms him ler.. (using it as an excuse ler) but i scared he marah..
y i so scared ler.. actually .. i also dont know..
then previously i asked him abt investment.. he didnt really choi me
until i asked him how is he.. then he only say abit more, advice me to take it slow.. c c i really dont know how to predict his mood.. i really wanna treat him nice.. and really hope i can do better..coz each time got chance chat wit him.. i kinda too cool.. juz to hide up myself.. :(

how ler.. should i sms himler?

How could I? How can I still....

Dear Lord,
This is wai san here...hmm.. i m reflecting on wat wei mei tell me yest.. he is seeing someone..at first, i m thinking - impossible, i alwayz saw him around/ at home (online)..

then i start to think.. lately he drives out for lunch - possible meeting someone out frm here.. someone he is after now? possible
then.. weekends - lately he not online - yea, mayb on date with someonethen...
fb - someone asked him if he is watching movies with chicks again...? he say wish to... u c someonee mentioned "... again?"
hmmm..doesnt it a double hint, he is seeing someone now?

how could i not thought of all this thgs ler, lord?
how can i still so stupid?
how can i still not putting it down?
how can i still so naive?

furthermore, he brought along a fren/ coll the other day when accompanying me to collect back my stuffs... u c he brought along a coll i noe... so, it mean nothg again..

triple hints.. he is not into me..

Dear Lord.. why why why?
are these the hints/ signs?i m getting it.. but why it seems i hear some other thgs frm my heart? is it just a fake voice/ fake feelings?

Dear Lord, pls help me...pls...
really.. i thk i m dying.. really.. dying of bleeding love..

Lord, is all my fault.. is just my fault.. what to do to stop the feeling?
do i really need to leave the job? after i feeling the management change.. seeing myself of nowhere here, is it to leave, Lord?

is my feeling true? or just some unknown voices from nowhere.. illusion..
Lord, pls show me some real signs? I am very de confuse.. and I really dont know how.. and wat to do...
pretending cool is all i can now........

Lord, really please help me..

A day

19/08 - a bad day.

even to start tis in the blog, i can't write.

I got snatched, car window got smashed...
total shocked... all i could is thk of him.. unfortunately he's busy.. i'm sorry i've disturb him..
he immediately direct me to drive home, he called up my colleague, wic stay nearby... but cant get thru her..

so, he advised me to clinic, see a dr for the wounded hand, get some treatmnet and MC to take a rest. and asked me to call him...

he was busy, i thk.. he did call bk a few times.. to check on me, and so did i called him bk..
lastly he called back, to ask me if i hv cancelled all my cards, cancelled my atm cards, then asked me if my phone is wit me.. haha. i guess he is trying to cheer me, coz i was all the while on the phone wit him with my handphone...

thanks! i really glad...

and of course, yesterday... 22/8, he accompany me to collect back my stuffs.. altho he brought along another guy colleague, i do really thanks for his help & accompanionship..
my fren said if he interested to move on wit me, he would not hv brought the colleague tog..
yea, is true.. but.. i guess, perhaps, me n him is ... dont know..
i cant be the one saying it that i want to be with him...

hmm... anyhow, thank you to him..

tarot reading...

The Hermit

Briefly: This card as it reflects a deep thinker, someone who spends time in isolation mulling over the mysteries of life. Much time may have been spent this way, and now it is all about to change.

Full Meaning: This card shows an elderly gentleman with a robe and hood standing atop a mountain holding a lantern in his right hand and a staff in this left hand. It is the middle of the night and the background is dark, and offset by the glow - which looks like a star, emanating from the lantern. The mountain appears to be snow capped and the night seems cold and he is alone. This can signify an event happening at night or in winter. If you are not in a relationship at this point in time, it is likely that you soon will be as this can symbolize the end of being alone, you finally find what you have been looking for, which may have been right under your nose. Prepare yourself in whatever way is necessary. Maybe you need to revamp your image or put on some brighter clothes, rather than hiding yourself under a huge coat or cloak.