06.09.2009 Sunday

12.12 noon
Wondering what is he doing now? Out? Sleeping?

I also dont know why I like him? People say he is egoistic, careless... but deep down my heart, know that he is someone good...

I was jealous that when I see him close with other girls.. and wonder is he serious with the words he spoke to the girl..

Saw him on phone, talking softly, then will thk... hmm.. new girlfren? or girlfren on the phone..

When he is not around, I'll thk about him..

When he is hanging out wit that gang of colleagues, I felt sour & jealous..

When he is down/ sad/ sick, I felt worry...

When he is busy, I hope I can lend a helping hand..

When during weekends, I wonder who he spent with?

When I doesn't see him online (msn), I wonder where's he is now?

When he success, when he get promoted, I felt extremely happy..

Does he know, he took my heart away?

It's a Sunday.. And I'm now wondering where is he? Missing him...

Feel sad to see him sad

I dont know wat happen to him.. But I know somethg is going on with him..
Just he doesn't want to tell... I did asked him.. he told me he's alright, alot stuffs on goin, but he still can tahan.. ask me not to worry..

Is it work? or it is personal?

I wonder if he is having a fight with his girl? or He's trying cooling down thgs between him and his girl...
Very weird thg happen.. his girl was in office, but off the IM whole morning after he came in for work... the only on back once he left.. Did he try talking to her?

I do felt sour.. but, what's happening? I do felt sour if he still like his girl.. but i dont wish to see him sad/ down...

he put a very down/ sad msg on his msn.. - slow dancing in a burning room..
I read the song meaning.. it mean, a relationship which didnt went well and the person was trying to save it.. but it's just didnt work out.. and is kinda sad... and he's suffering in pain..

now this, does he meant his very first relationship or the current??

Dear Lord... ws felt sour, but feel sad to see him sad.. dont know how to cheer him..
and ws felt actually ws is nothg to him.. and in certain extend, can be invisible...
shud I just ignore him and mayb I'll get well soon??
Now, I am just thinking how could I can cheer him up - stupid rite?

Dear Lord... ws felt vry complicated...

I miss him

Yay! today got URL to rest.. but i kinda boring.. it was a rainny day.. thus, all my plans - gym + starbuck.. hehe.. cancelled due to my laziness..

hmm.. i miss him.. cant c him online, really wonder where is he now..
last nite.. whole nite he didnt online, i put my msn on whole nite.. putting a msn msg :was sms-ing home for dinner juz now :) " coz i was texting and met him @ lobby.. i was a bit surprise to see him and he walked over to talk to me...
but he was not online till i fell sleep.. around 2am + i woke up i saw he is online, with busy mode..
awhile later i off coz it was pretty late.. and i dont usually put msn on whole nite...
i was asleep and awake 5am plus, online wit my mobile phone.. found he already off..

today.. already 2 pm+ ler.. didnt c him... online..
i kinda miss him.. and i juz check my mails - lots of them.. found one citibank pack.. wish to sms him ler.. (using it as an excuse ler) but i scared he marah..
y i so scared ler.. actually .. i also dont know..
then previously i asked him abt investment.. he didnt really choi me
until i asked him how is he.. then he only say abit more, advice me to take it slow.. c c i really dont know how to predict his mood.. i really wanna treat him nice.. and really hope i can do better..coz each time got chance chat wit him.. i kinda too cool.. juz to hide up myself.. :(

how ler.. should i sms himler?

How could I? How can I still....

Dear Lord,
This is wai san here...hmm.. i m reflecting on wat wei mei tell me yest.. he is seeing someone..at first, i m thinking - impossible, i alwayz saw him around/ at home (online)..

then i start to think.. lately he drives out for lunch - possible meeting someone out frm here.. someone he is after now? possible
then.. weekends - lately he not online - yea, mayb on date with someonethen...
fb - someone asked him if he is watching movies with chicks again...? he say wish to... u c someonee mentioned "... again?"
hmmm..doesnt it a double hint, he is seeing someone now?

how could i not thought of all this thgs ler, lord?
how can i still so stupid?
how can i still not putting it down?
how can i still so naive?

furthermore, he brought along a fren/ coll the other day when accompanying me to collect back my stuffs... u c he brought along a coll i noe... so, it mean nothg again..

triple hints.. he is not into me..

Dear Lord.. why why why?
are these the hints/ signs?i m getting it.. but why it seems i hear some other thgs frm my heart? is it just a fake voice/ fake feelings?

Dear Lord, pls help me...pls...
really.. i thk i m dying.. really.. dying of bleeding love..

Lord, is all my fault.. is just my fault.. what to do to stop the feeling?
do i really need to leave the job? after i feeling the management change.. seeing myself of nowhere here, is it to leave, Lord?

is my feeling true? or just some unknown voices from nowhere.. illusion..
Lord, pls show me some real signs? I am very de confuse.. and I really dont know how.. and wat to do...
pretending cool is all i can now........

Lord, really please help me..

A day

19/08 - a bad day.

even to start tis in the blog, i can't write.

I got snatched, car window got smashed...
total shocked... all i could is thk of him.. unfortunately he's busy.. i'm sorry i've disturb him..
he immediately direct me to drive home, he called up my colleague, wic stay nearby... but cant get thru her..

so, he advised me to clinic, see a dr for the wounded hand, get some treatmnet and MC to take a rest. and asked me to call him...

he was busy, i thk.. he did call bk a few times.. to check on me, and so did i called him bk..
lastly he called back, to ask me if i hv cancelled all my cards, cancelled my atm cards, then asked me if my phone is wit me.. haha. i guess he is trying to cheer me, coz i was all the while on the phone wit him with my handphone...

thanks! i really glad...

and of course, yesterday... 22/8, he accompany me to collect back my stuffs.. altho he brought along another guy colleague, i do really thanks for his help & accompanionship..
my fren said if he interested to move on wit me, he would not hv brought the colleague tog..
yea, is true.. but.. i guess, perhaps, me n him is ... dont know..
i cant be the one saying it that i want to be with him...

hmm... anyhow, thank you to him..

tarot reading...

The Hermit

Briefly: This card as it reflects a deep thinker, someone who spends time in isolation mulling over the mysteries of life. Much time may have been spent this way, and now it is all about to change.

Full Meaning: This card shows an elderly gentleman with a robe and hood standing atop a mountain holding a lantern in his right hand and a staff in this left hand. It is the middle of the night and the background is dark, and offset by the glow - which looks like a star, emanating from the lantern. The mountain appears to be snow capped and the night seems cold and he is alone. This can signify an event happening at night or in winter. If you are not in a relationship at this point in time, it is likely that you soon will be as this can symbolize the end of being alone, you finally find what you have been looking for, which may have been right under your nose. Prepare yourself in whatever way is necessary. Maybe you need to revamp your image or put on some brighter clothes, rather than hiding yourself under a huge coat or cloak.

have i told you...

there's so many thgs wanted to tell him..
he promise alot of stuffs too...

but... is gone..

help me.. i sometimes really cant take it anymore...
i noe is juz me who is being stupid...

what does he mean when he quote the lyrics?

remember some time ago.. i put part of Lenka (the show) lyrics on to my msn msg...

" i m juz a little gal lost in the moment, i m so scared but i dont show it, i cant figure it out, it's bringin me down."

he msn me.. and say abt tis song.. awhile to send over the song, then stop angrily say i didnt accept the song... he cancelled it... :(

then he quoted the lyrics to me...


I'm just a little bit caught in the middle Life is a maze and love is a riddle I don't know where to go I can't do it alone (I've tried) and I don't know why
Slow it down make it stop or else my heart is going to pop 'cuz it's too much Yeah, it's a lot to be something I'm not I'm a fool out of love 'cuz I just can't get enough

then, laugh and told me tis is part of song.. there's so many part, why tis part??
especially on the part.. "Slow it down make it stop or else my heart is going to pop 'cuz it's too much Yeah, it's a lot to be something I'm not I'm a fool out of love 'cuz I just can't get enough"

i wonder what he meant? does he noe, i do hv feel towards to him, if he does not have the same, then pls dont do all these to me, it's stirring me....
I am very scared then i'm falling deeper n deeper...

this happened on 24/05/2009, to date its almost 2 months d... does he still remember?

yesterday, he IM me in office, asked me to prepare for meeting.. then suddenly out of no where, asked:

"moody?"
i was stunt, and just answered: no ah... ok ah...
(am i?)

he just answer: kk

is tis the way he show his concern?

sigh.. am i thking too much.. yea... mayb.. yes. it shd hve i hv tot too much..

Horoscope 10/07

the horoscope say about tis for tml..

Friday, July 10
You will find that almost any situation can be solved without great difficulties or burdens. Just because you have some obstacles to overcome doesn't mean the two of you aren't meant to be together.

will it be true? am thinking abt him....

the frustration u gave - pain!

u chose ppl u wish to talk or tell.i m not into to noe ur everythg. then pls go tell ur angels if they r the one who cares!

go away!!

if i never know u. is i've changed or u have till i can't recognise? promises? flew with the aeroplane!

go away! dont come close me!

*tears*

don't wish...

hmm..dont wish to think so much..

I noe he is away wit a gang of frens for a trip.. i did ask 1 of them to get so news abt his status... haha.. is he still with his gf?

yest, i saw both them wore the same type of clothes.. design similar.. couple design shirt? then noted he onli online really late.. hmm... dating??

i suddenly dont wish to know the answer if the person manage find out.. i am scared....

dont wish to thk anymore.. but..
when i heard this song - I wanna be with you by Mandy Moore.... I feel so sad.. is it becoz i noe is impossible?

dont dare to thk.. dont wish to thk so much....
help~~

BF vs Friend

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++＊

誰可以當男朋友，誰只能當普通朋友。＊

普通朋友：半夜會找妳打BBS聊天到很晚。

男朋友：半夜看妳還在BBS上會趕你下線(當然妳可以柪個幾分鐘)。

---------------------------------------------

普通朋友：他會找你出去玩,叫妳放棄報告或翹課。

男朋友：他會催妳快寫作業,或者想要跟你討論功課。

---------------------------------------------

普通朋友：在你生病時，會講好話關心妳。

男朋友：在你生病時，他會關心到你很煩，而且逼你去看醫生。

------------------------------------------

普通朋友：他會盡量說好話來討好妳，妳會覺得他很棒。

男朋友：他所說的話，都是關心妳的！但通常像是在命令妳，妳會覺得他幹麻這麼做。

--------------------------------------------

普通朋友：他什麼事情都會配合著你，只要你高興。

男朋友：他會幫你辨別是非，但你會覺得他管太多。

-----------------------------------

普通朋友：他會說他要給你最大的幸福。

男朋友：他只能給你保證，妳跟他在一起，他是最快樂的。

-----------------------------------------

普通朋友：他會幫你買消夜，送宵夜，載你上下課。

男朋友：他會幫你買宵夜，不過他會提醒你，吃什麼比較健康. 他會載你上下課，不過要他有順路，因為他不能為你而翹課.因為他翹課，他成績便會不好，成績不好不會有好工作。 那你們將來日子怎麼會好過，他會想的很遠。

----------------------------------------

普通朋友：他只有想到現在。

男朋友：他已經預見將來，該怎麼自我努力，好給你幸福。

愛上一个人..........如此的甜蜜卻又讓人受傷害
放棄一个人..........如此的難過卻又讓人心碎


珍惜身旁的每一个人,不要等到失去了

才瞭解到遺憾.和後悔是如此的痛苦....

**********************************************

he fits most of the above? so can be boyfriend??

hmmm..... but but... is it true?

hahaha.. (think too much)

Not sure how

This evening, he's mentioning the days he will be on leave...
naming the days to his deputies, he mentioned 17/07. I know this day is his gf bday..
after heard, i m so sad..........

then he was mumbling this day must take leave! so sad, means they r still together. perhaps rumours was just covering up...

later on, they further mentioned about whose n whose bday.. due to he mumble must take tat day... shud he had told tat day was his girls birthday... a special day..

san, is it time to wake up? shall i leave, so i could stay far far away forever
Lord, tell me how? y i so like him? if i patience and persistent, will he like me too?

why it is so complicated?

confused

what happen?

he suddenly nudge me.. then asked me watched hannah montana ? then send me song , and say after i listen wil recover very fast...

then his msn msg keep changing:
1. come n get higher (i like this song also, the lyric started with i miss the sound of your voice, i miss..)
- he missed his gf? or first love?
2. hatin on the club (sang by rihana, saying she saw her boy wit a new love, left her, she's heart broken)
- he meaning his first? or now existing? what happen?
3. touch my hand (by david archuleta, saying he saw a gal, and want to touch her hand, be with her)
- is he ok?
4. 1,2,3,4 (by plain white -t: just simple telling i love you, and thank you someone be there for him when he's hurt)
- is her existing gf?
5. crazier (by taylor swift, very crazy for someone)
- i guess he thinking about his first gal.......
6. then change the msg to woah - is lyric frm hatin on the club.. sounded so frust and sad...
- is he really ok?
7. then change again to wOOOAAAHhhhHhh - this seems his very very frust and sad...
- hey!!! hey!! r u ok? i m worried

i thought he went for transformer today... i know tis movie is his and he existing gf movie. they started last yr with transformer i guess.. as many saw both them in cinema... :(

i m confused and can't sleep..
i feel hurt.. coz knowing his heart is with other person. knowingly is not his fault, just myself who didnt wanna come out from the trap i set for myself...

pls be ok.. to him

fading away

whenever i talked about him.. i'll felt like crying..
scenario just as how I talked abot elfy...
does it mean, i sincerely just treated him as a fren only, a fren...

i really just wanna stay invisible.. and dont wish to care for him anymore
it's very very hurt.....

how to mend the hurting heart?
am i just so nothg?

fading away, fading away...

am just so useless, how come I still can't forget and get over about him?
useless....

Falling Apart

Maybe it's because I'm crazy,
Maybe it's because I just can't,
Honestly tell you what I want.
It's never enough to stay still and hold you,
To break loose and run the taste of you,
Wild on my tongue.

Am I no good to you now?
Am I no good to you now?

Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh
We're spilling over.
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh
We're falling apart.

Spent my days with doctors,
And my nights with crooks,
And all of them who sell me for a song.
So I'm here.
Safe Dear.
A fiction in your arms.

Am I no good to you now?
Am I no good to you now?

Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh
We're spilling over.
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh
We're falling apart.

So get me out
Start me over
For heaven's changedI should have told you

Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh
I'm falling apart.

Cause all I say,
It doesn't matter anyway.
All I say,
It doesn't matter anyway.

I'm giving up,
So call my bluff.
Cause I just need to be reminded who I am.
I'm falling apart.

Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh
We're spilling over.
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh
We're falling apart.

I'm giving up.
Starting over.
I wanna be,
The one who holds you.

Whoa-oh, whoa-oh whoa-oh
We're Falling apart.

So wanna be loved?
So wanna be loved?
So come on now
Come on love.

*missing him*
- jumping myself again in the trap

Invisible

as expected.. no reply on sms. remembered he said before will not reply unnecessary sms.. yea.. i m unnecessary. i wonder does his charlie angels unnecessary sms, he'll reply? i thk will reply...

i online & appear offline. nvr expect him to online. he online and rub off his msn msg and log off.
then went to fb, he's there too... i updated my status - sick... and faint, sleep till 10 somethg tis morning...
he rather update his comment on someone else's comment...

later on, i just re-post another comment: it's raining, pls careful & take care.. frm the heart is for him as knowingly he'll be travelling back to his hometown, taiping.

I tot i really had made up my mind... to stay away. but as I see him being at a no good plc, my heart melted and started to concern for him.. isn't it I jumping into the trap now by myself?

Sad....

I wanted to catch a movie, but no interest of my sis. By catching a movie, I can spend my time away without thinking the unnecessary thgs.

Am just invisible.. really ................... then i should really continue with that status forever...

.. u ok? i am worry

i m worry for him.. wat happen to him...? he became a stranger, he hurt my feelings... i really wanted to stay away. but lastly i surrender, as i see him sick, i can't let go.. yesterday, i waited till 11 somethg, he still not online, i got disappointed and offline telling myself forget abt him.. juz sent him a sms and went to sleep. today, i saw he actually online very late, 12 midnite plus, i guess.. he wrote on his msn msg: nose bleeding...chest aching...overdo at gym still...your damn fskup hwc !!!! wat happen? what does fskup stand for? how come he sounder torturing himself? is he ok? i felt i shud have waited for him to online... what happen? is he ok? i wish to ask him.. but how? what am i suppose to do? pls take care.. i so felt to send him sms now... should i? i scared i put an expectation, and i'll get disappointed once i did not hear from him... he is so egoistic... there were certain period, both us so close.. and out of sudden, he cut it off, and very cool to me.. it hurts.. as he had stirred my feelings.. and then he cut off himself... :( this was abt april tis yr, he spoke to me... did he nearly tell me he felt for me also? he swallowed his words.. and face got red.. lastly, he mentioned me n another person important to him, he sayang us most... he looked here n there when trying to speak... face got red.. did he just really wanna say tat? at that moment, felt we are possible.. but now, i seems the impossibility is greater and it is IMPOSSIBLE ! anyhow, i am very worry. pls be ok. pls talk to me... dear Lord, why? what should i do?

Can he say abit more?

Sometimes... I wonder did I asked too much, or my question bothered him too much till he does not want to answer?

For instance, I asked is there gonna lunch since the movie started late? No reply-

And just now, I asked if he had the 1st episode of red cliff - replied: tarlak
And I further asked if he knew wat is a ignition coil (car parts)
Later, I caught an idea to googled myself, but soon after, i dropped him a reply, say I googgled the answer myself - then he became offline...
Can't he express by an OK?

So am i too bothering till he choses to offline?

Sigh...

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - I am learning the technique to communicate with him & understd man/ guys..
I just needed some concern...

Nah.. Why should I hope? Not have told myself.. since today not even an sms by him when I took my lrt home... Then, I should not have a little hope from him..
I tot I hv taken a deep breath and decided to throw away the hope?
Hahaha.. Why I still bothered msn him?

Take another deep breath and offline too myself.. & forget it!

Happy Birthday To HIM....

Today, 3rd Aug, is his Birthday....

Celebrated with karaoke with him, bought him cake...
How come he seems a bit down?

I wish to see him HAPPY..
Although his not mine, and I felt sad over alot of things he does to me, BUT, I still wish he would be happy & fine...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

What can I do?

I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

No more waiting,
No more aching
No more fighting,
No more trying

Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

What can I really do?
All will do just hide up my feelings.. and hide myself..